I’m Not Buying What You’re Selling, Jesus

Today has just been one of those days. Also, it’s been a week of “just one of those days.”

I’ve been dizzy for a week–so much so at times I was ill or had to cancel a class. Don’t worry too much…allergies and inner ear stuff. But that just makes this week busier and more frustrating. I am frazzled, angry, frayed, dismayed.  Since I’ve been sickly and had to cancel a class meeting last week, that means I have three, four-hour class meetings throughout this week with an hour commute each way. Our mail carrier, who is not a good mail carrier, delivered a package I was (im)patiently waiting for to the wrong house today and skipped my house (outgoing mail and all) completely.

Frustration.

Dizziness.

Fatique.

I got my shit together to go to work, and I stopped at CVS for some Dramamine and nose spray to get through tonight’s class. I forgot that CVS’s nasal spray is so artfully child-proof that my 39-year-old husband and I have never been able to get it uncapped–resorting once to cutting off the top with a serrated knife and sticking our soaked fingers up our noses. As I fought with the bottle in my car, I finally decided to huff the droplets off the outside of the bottle (seriously, it gushes out from under the cap when the cap can’t be removed)–and I promptly threw the bottle out the window. It was comically stupid.

I got a quick, late lunch, and as I drove I had a temper tantrum with God.

I AM ANGRY THAT RACHEL HELD EVANS IS DEAD. I AM SO ANNOYED AND ANGRY AND TIRED AND SAD. I AM SO SICK OF BEING DIZZY. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW I’M SUPPOSED TO DO WHAT YOU’RE TELLING ME TO DO. I’M PROBABLY NOT EVEN CAPABLE. GIVE ME WISDOM, ALREADY, IF YOU’RE SO GENEROUS WITH IT. I DON’T THINK I’M BUYING WHAT YOU’RE SELLING TODAY, JESUS!

Tears.

An old favorite Casting Crowns song came on just then…”Who Am I?”

Who am I, that the lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt?
Who am I, that the bright and morning star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart?

I confessed it and professed it all. Out loud. Loudly loud. Tearfully, snottily loud.

And here I am doing the thing I often think I’m not capable of. Writing. About my walk, my tantrums, my wrestling with God.

Some days it’s hard for me to buy what Jesus was selling…what God is always selling. Redemption, resurrection, unconditional love. Even when I’m feeling ugly and angry and throwing a child’s temper tantrum.

I am glad They love me as much as I love my own family. Why is it so hard to believe some days?

 

 

11 thoughts on “I’m Not Buying What You’re Selling, Jesus

  1. This may be a stupid question but have you been to the doctor for the dizziness? Some inner ear problems can be solved with exercises. Just depends on whether it’s a fluid problem or crystals. I have fluid in my inner ear so I’m dizzy a lot. Fortunately, I no longer have vertigo spells. Those sucked. Hope you’re not having vertigo attacks (where the room flips). I understand the frustration. At my worst, I had to hang onto the wall to walk.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I haven’t yet, but I have an appointment Thursday morning. Pretty sure it’s ear fluid. I’ve had these issues before…mostly at the height of allergy seasons and season changes. Sure am tired of it! Arrrgh!

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  2. Angry and frustrated but honest. That is where I need to begin. God can handle my honesty. I hop that dizziness things gets worked out too.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes indeed. God can handle our tantrums and brattiness and failures and love and awe. All of it. I have to remind myself of this constantly.

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  3. Leslie Phillips June 4, 2019 — 5:34 pm

    I would like to thank you for introducing me to Rachel Held Evans through Estella’s Revenge. As a lapsed, burned-out, not-sure-I-want-to-call-myself-Christian, I started to read. And I found new ways to think about faith, questions and God. I eventually found my way to a new living and growing faith.
    There is no end to the loss of her and the grief is still too fresh to make any sense of it. But, I really want to say, ‘Thank you, Andi’ for the great gift you never knew you gave.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for telling me this. 99.9% of the time I wonder what the hell I’m doing talking about faith. Thank you, thank you. I’m glad to know your faith is thriving! Be sure to let me know what you’re reading and listening to that drives the growth!

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  4. There’s just been so much lately going on – we’ve had a couple of deaths within friends’ families close to us. It is a hard season for so many people. I so appreciate your honesty! It is a struggle. Was thinking of you this morning — Emily P. Freeman is talking about grief on her podcast today. (The Next Right Thing) I think it’s only 13 minutes long, but I found it to be balm for my soul today. If you get a chance to listen, I hope you find it helpful as well.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I listened in the quiet time I make for myself before class, and it was great. Just what I needed. And I’ve subscribed to The Next Right Thing because 1) love her voice and 2) love the format!

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  5. Oh lordy. Pun intended.

    The thing about God is that all of your pain, suffering and angst will eventually be used but it could take a long time for you to see it. I am feeling the same way this week. I head off to Christian camp next week. I am taking my high school group and I am not 100% and it’s strenuous. It’s not all prayers and singing. It’s like the Amazing Race with the competitions and I am not up for it

    As for you, you must be doing something right for the enemy to be attacking you this way. For dizziness, a Benadryl and a non drowsy Dramamine will fix you right up.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do find comfort in the fact that the anger will be used and worked through. I’m sending you looooots of prayers for the youth trip. It sounds exhausting. I’m an introvert, tho, so it sounds almost unbearable. lol You’re doing good work.

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      1. I find it unbearable too! It’s a miracle I even get through it or that I’d ever want to do it again.

        Liked by 1 person

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