Floating Along in the Chaos

This is big. When I started writing the Scripture a year or so ago, I had no idea what a rabbit hole I was falling down. Or I did. Theology and faith are bottomless. But I didn’t expect myself to fall down it as thoroughly and deeply as I have. Having left my book blog that I’ve fostered for 14 years, I live here now, so I figured I’d better start writing.

But how? Where?

I can’t even wrap my arms around what this journey has meant to me so far. I can’t summarize what I’ve learned, how I’ve begun to internalize it, how I am changing, how I am humbled, inspired, touched, how I struggle, wrestle, how I am completely engulfed. I can’t even explain how much better Jesus of Nazareth is than what I’ve learned all my life. There’s so much honest, bottomless, endless, gracious love.

I am a thinking person. A person who enjoys research. Analysis. The hunt for knowledge. The pursuit of wisdom. I love understanding cultures and people and emotions and human nature. I love considering. Getting my graduate degree in English, before this personal faith study started, was the most amazing, touching, inspired thing I’ve ever done for the ways it challenged and rewarded me. It lit me up.

This feels like that…but better. Christian theology is challenging and complicated and charged. I’m growing intellectually, I’m being stretched emotionally, I’m challenged, and rewarded. I am so wonderfully confused. I’m even more confused by the gatekeepers and the judgment makers. I’m called to love them anyway because that’s God-style, Jesus-directed agape goodness.

I asked God where to start, and this is it. I’m just…swirling around in this chaos. Maybe coherence comes later.




2 thoughts on “Floating Along in the Chaos

  1. I love this! “There’s so much honest, bottomless, endless, gracious love…Christian theology is challenging and complicated and charged…I’m even more confused by the gatekeepers and the judgment makers. I’m called to love them anyway because that’s God-style, Jesus-directed agape goodness.”
    The love and grace is overwhelming and mind-boggling to most of us, and antithetical to everything the world offers – I’ve heard Jesus’ views as described as “upside down” in comparison to the world’s general views on things. And, yes, the gatekeepers…I heard Angie Thomas speak Friday night and in her latest book she kind of “calls out” some of the church ladies – she brought up the point that they need calling out – church should be our safest place, not a place of condemnation and judgment. I wanted to “amen” so loudly. Loving them anyway is the hardest thing, but yes, we are called to do it. I’m trying to model for the “gatekeepers” and for my kids that there is a better way, a more loving way. I firmly believe we’ve got to be the change we want to see – even in, and especially in the church. But, it isn’t easy! Love what you are doing and writing. Haven’t always been quick to comment because I’m out of my blog-reading habit, but I’m working on it. 🙂


  2. My faith journey involves a lot of percolating of ideas. My entire Insta story today is a rambling of stuff floating around in my head about service and feeling the call to act. I just kept talking. So much that Insta cut me off. LOL.


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